Psalm 18

So, the countdown continues.  In a couple of weeks, I'll be posting from India!



This year (I still think in school years, so what I mean is since last August) I've been really enjoying Psalm 18. It was read in one of our first Wesley staff meetings back in August, and the Lord has drawn me back to it time and again since then.



http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2018&version=NASB



I'm somewhat hesitant to write about this Psalm because it is so personal to me now.  It's like a story of my past year, one that only my few closest friends even knew was happening.  But I've learned this year that sharing what the Lord is doing in our lives encourages our brothers and sisters, and there is a great benefit to sharing testimonies of the Lord's power manifested in our lives. So, here we go.



Here's a general plot line of this Psalm which was written by David:  I was surrounded by enemies, and I would have died, but I called upon the Lord and He saved me.  He fought for me.  Then He taught me to fight.



There were a lot of times this year when I was so distressed.  I looked around and all I could see was my flesh. Instead of seeing evidence of Jesus Christ living in me, I saw jealousy and comparison and anger.  In these times I related to verse 4, "The cords of death encompassed me, and the torrents of ungodliness terrified me."  My own flesh was my enemy, and the torrents of ungodliness living within me terrified me.  And the product of the flesh, death, encompassed me.  I felt like there was no hope.  I knew in my head that I was a new creation and Christ lives in me and gives me new life, but all I could see in my life was sin and nastiness.



"In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried to my God for help; He heard my voice out of His temple, and my cry for help before Him came into His ears" (verse 6).  It's like I don't even have to say anything.  This speaks exactly what happened.  So many times I cried out to the Lord and "He sent from on high, He took me; He drew me out of many waters" (verse 16). 



"He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me.  They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my stay.  He brought me forth also into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me" (verses 17-19).  The Lord was bringing about healing and change in my life, and the enemy did not like that. I found myself confronted by an enemy that was too mighty for me.  The enemy's biggest tactic in my life is isolation. I look back at this year with a certain sense of sadness because I missed out on a lot of fellowship because the enemy was able to keep me isolated much of the time. He used jealousy and feelings of being inferior to my dearest sisters to keep me from loving or accepting love from them. But the Lord was my stay.  He rescued me.  I was having to continually surrender, continually choose to call out to the Lord, and He had to pick me up out of my mess and bring me forth to a broad place. 

Amidst the mess of struggling with jealousy, comparison, and isolation, there were some shining moments of victory, moments where I can say nothing except that the Lord picked me up and placed me on solid ground.  I can think of two moments in particular in which the Lord had victory and was able to raise up a testimony of His power through me.  One was in November, and one was in March. In November the Lord put it on my heart to speak at Wesley about fear, so I asked if I could speak one Tuesday night at Wesley.  If you know me at all, you know I'm not the public speaking type.  If someone asks me to speak at something, I usually say yes because I know better than to let fear control me in such an obvious way, but for me to be the one to bring it up is pretty much a miracle. The Lord put it on my heart to speak, and I stepped out in faith and was obedient.  In March, a similar thing happened.  Wesley was hosting a dinner for the students' parents.  The invitation was open for us interns to speak if we had something on our hearts to say.  I wrote it off.  I knew I could come up with something to say, but I didn't really want to.  Then, the morning of the dinner, I was reading in the Psalms and I felt like the Lord was telling me to speak, to praise Him for the things He had been doing in my life this year.  Both of these times were amazing.  I was so at peace.  Because I stepped out in faith, the Lord gave the words to speak, and I was not nervous at all.  Oh, what a joy to be an obedient servant!



"For who is God, but the Lord?  And who is a rock, except our God, the God who girds me with strength and makes my way blameless?  He makes my feet like hinds' feet, and sets me upon my high places.  He trains my hands for battle, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze" (verses 31-34).  Just a few weeks ago I felt like I had had a new victory. Instead of just calling on the name of the Lord and Him coming and rescuing me, He is teaching me to fight and girding me with the strength to fight. It is, and absolutely must be, by His strength. Instead of picking me up and placing me on a broad place, He makes my feet like hinds' feet (in NIV, it says the feet of a deer), sets me on high places, and I am able to stand in these places because He has enabled me to. Imagine bending a bow of bronze. I don't think bronze is all that bendable, but I could be wrong, I've never attempted to bend an actual bow made out of bronze. But I have been learning to fight by the Lord's strength, fights that without the Lord's strength I would have lost hands down. I am learning to take individual thoughts into captivity and reject the lies. The Lord is enabling me to believe truth that allows me to reject jealousy, comparison, and isolation, but it is still a fight, a battle I must choose to engage in. I've come to see that much of this year I tried to ignore lies, pushing them to the side. I am learning to engage them, and actively choose not to believe them.



I've found that recently when I've gone back and read Psalm 18, I can say, with King David, even more wholeheartedly, “I love You, O Lord, my strength” (verse 1). I praise Him for the work He has done and is doing in my life.

The Surpassing Value of Knowing Christ Jesus my Lord

Two nights ago I was sitting with some fellow believers, and I don't know what prompted it at all, but I thought of myself just getting to heaven and seeing Jesus for the first time and feeling like I barely know Him. It was a really terrible feeling. I thought about it a little bit yesterday, but I didn't know what to do with it. I didn't know if it was my flesh just feeling like I haven't done enough or put forth enough effort to know Christ or if it was from the Lord.

I started praying into it this morning, asking for insight on it. I began to ask Jesus to allow me to know Him more. I was led to start reading in Matthew from where I had left off a few days ago, and I read Matthew 16:15-19:

“He said to them, 'But who do you say that I am?' Simon Peter answered, 'You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.' And Jesus said to him, 'Blessed are you, Simon Barjona, because flesh and blood did not reveal this to you, but My Father who is in heaven. I also say to you that you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build My church; and the gates of Hades will not overpower it, I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; and whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven.'”

At this point I began to cry out to the Father for a revelation of Jesus Christ. I knew that I had already received some level of revelation, but it seemed so incomplete. As I asked to know Christ more, a scripture popped into my head and I turned to Philippians 3:7-11:

“But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss, for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.”

And instantly I knew why I felt like I didn't know Jesus as I wanted to. Have I ever in my life counted all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus? No. There have been times when, by the grace of God, I have let go of my plans and what is expected of me to follow Christ. But have I desired to know Christ above all else? Above my reputation, my comfort, my free time? I am ashamed to confess that I have not.

As in the experience recounted in my last post, I was driven to my knees. How unworthy I am, putting petty things before knowing Jesus Christ, my Savior, the One who sacrificed His life for me. But my ever-faithful, always forgiving Father said, “I forgive you, daughter, now, come, let me tell you about your Brother.” I was reminded of Matthew 12:50:

“For whoever does the will of My Father who is in heaven, he is My brother and sister and mother.”

I could hardly accept it. I am so unworthy. And yet the Father has chosen me, and I am a sister of Christ. So, I come before my Father humbly, as a child who knows nothing, ready for Him to give me revelations of Jesus Christ. And I am excited about this journey of getting to know Jesus and learning what it means to count all things loss compared to the value of knowing Christ.

The Throne of Grace

I just had a cool little experience I thought I'd recount.

I haven't really been doing that well this week, mostly giving way to irrational anxiety. And, I don't know about you, but when I am giving in to anxiety, I end up distancing myself from God. Sort of a combination of these two scriptures from Hebrews popped into my head this morning:

“Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in the time of need.” - Hebrews 4:16

“Therefore, brethren, since we have confidence to enter the holy place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way which He inaugurated for us through the veil, that is His flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.” -Hebrews 10:19-22

I was writing out my prayer in my journal, something along the lines of, “Okay, God, I'm coming to your throne boldly, not on the basis of anything I've done, but on the basis of the blood of Your Son. I am asking for mercy for the way I've been acting this week and grace to walk through these next three weeks.”

I felt pulled down to my knees, and when I closed my eyes, though I was physically still in the living room in Ms. Mary's basement, I was in front of God's throne. I was on my knees, with my face on the floor.  I said, “I know I'm supposed to be drawing near with confidence, but I am so unworthy.” Then, in a moment reminiscent of the father welcoming his prodigal son home, the Father said, “Arise, my daughter.” He welcomed me, called me daughter. If I sat down with a Bible for a few minutes I could probably find fifteen or twenty scriptures confirming that, if we are born again, we are sons and daughters of God, but in that moment, to hear God call me daughter... it was pretty great.

So, I'm trusting in God's grace to get me through these next few weeks.  I keep thinking I'll feel better once I'm on the plane and I know everything is in order.  But I choose to act in faith, and know now that all is in order.  My place is to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and He will make all the last minute stuff fall into place.